KEYBOARD CONFESSIONAL

KEYBOARD CONFESSIONAL

This is part of an actual newspaper article:
……….. is developing a computerised system to cater for those with sins too embarrassing to disclose to the local priest.
The Automatic Confession Machine requires the guilty to type in their sins on a computer keyboard and will provide a print-out of penance in the form of Hail Marys and Our Fathers. The program first requires the penitent to type in the customary ***"Bless me Father, for I have sinned"

The Computer responds by instructing the sinner to type in the number of days since the last confession. The user then types in the number of venial or mortal sins, selecting from a list of the Seven Deadly Sins and the Ten Commandments. Additional details are then required before the program can come up with a dispassionate assessment.

***"Bless me Fathed, for I have sinned"
Now did I type “r” or a “d” ??
For if it isn't correct
Will the program reject
This act of contrition from me.?

But I think I'm a mega-bit worried
How this high-tech Father Confessor
Through computerisation
Can give dispensation
With the speed of a micro-processor

But it's more fun than spending my Fridays
Sitting inside a dark box
Routinely reciting
What I find exciting
To celibate men in dark frocks

But this program could be so efficient
I could do my penance with ease
Though my typing speed varies
It should print fifty Hail Marys
In seconds, with a mouse and two keys.

And if this does not leave me spotless
And free from sin and transgression
I can then only hope
An email to the Pope
Will grant me the normal concession.,

Should Computerese then supersede Latin
As the language for Vatican clerics,
And electronic theology
Replace hagiology
Making old circuit boards holy relics?

HA! I heard a bit about this subject on the ever-irreverent "Real Time with Bill Maher" and thought, "Online confession? Can't be real." But lo and behold what a font for humor this subject has become!

All that's missing is a line of Monty Python monks chanting at the end here and hitting themselves in the heads with their keyboards.

I absolutely love the how you present confession in these lines:

Quote :

Routinely reciting
What I find exciting
To celibate men in dark frocks

The limerick-style rhythm of the piece only adds to the overall enjoyment. Brilliant work and exalt!

I think that the Pope (or at least the last Pope) has/had a twitter account.. I can only imagine if one day someone signs God up for Twitter.. (if only normal sermons were that short..)

Much enjoyed, this could really work for some people who can't take their noses out of their smart-phones.

~ Daniel

Rofl.. this is the sort of thing that dehumanizes religion which seems kind of unimaginable considering we're the only know species to indulge in religion. I actually read the article and the poem out loud to my boyfriend and we're both giggling hysterically..
Though that last idea.. that in some distant future these computerized confessionals would be considered holy relics.. that is somehow unnerving and a little haunting. Great write^^